How one idea on "success" has changed my life.
- Jan 14, 2018
- 4 min read
At some level, I must have been aware of this idea before.
However, it took me a long, long time to truly understand it.
This is despite me being heavily interested in self improvement and psychology, as well being an ambitious “achiever” my whole life.
So, what is it?
Very simply – we all define success differently.
That is okay, that is healthy and ultimately that is what makes the world an interesting place.
Understanding and internalising this idea is hugely liberating.
It stops you comparing yourself against other people's definitions of success.
Simultaneously, it stops you judging other people based on your own definition too.
We often don’t take the time to clearly define what success means to us and so we easily get swept up into other people’s ideals and society’s standard measurements for success.
When you consider how different we all are as individuals, this is ludicrous. Dangerous even.
Much of what we define as being successful will be shaped by our childhoods, our lived experiences and our personality types.
As an example, my best friend (who I love dearly) has an entirely different measurement of success for her life, compared to that of my own.
That doesn’t mean we are at odds – if anything I think it strengthens our friendship and helps us understand the world from different viewpoints.
Her experiences mean that she has craved stability for as long as I can remember. Routine is something which she thrives off and it brings her a sense of peace. Her career and life have been built around this accordingly.
For me – the idea of routine fills me with dread. Perhaps this is because I am the eldest of four siblings, perhaps it is because I am ‘creatively minded’. God, it might even be the fact I’m a Sagittarius (take or leave astrology, I don’t mind).
Either way, what we are seeking as individuals is going to differ.
Defining Success
Ask yourself this: What does a successful life mean to ME?
For me, I can roughly define it as the following:
Making other people’s lives better in some way, and leaving a positive mark on the world (however big or small).
Having a close connection with family and friends.
Being in love and giving love.
Spending the majority of time doing something which makes me feel fulfilled.
Seeing and spending time in different places.
Having a sense of freedom in my life.
I would highly recommend you spend some time thinking about this too.
Grab a piece of paper, write it in the notes app on your phone – even just two minutes spent on this will help.
It puts an awful lot in to perspective for you very quickly.
Once you have these, it is really important to recognise that every person you meet is going to have a different list.
Judging Others
What held me back from working as an artist for a long time was other people’s opinions.
I have such clarity now that I’m almost ashamed to write that.
Family, friends, society as a whole – all of their opinions mattered to me. Now I can see how ridiculous that was.
Many of these people are searching for entirely different things in their life. I know that for many people the security of a monthly salary is important. Many people want to go to work, just to work, and be free to enjoy their leisure time with no worries or commitment. That is okay.
Honestly, there was a part of me that used to judge people – in the same way they were judging me (sometimes vocally, sometimes in my imagination). I’ve never been particularly materialistic. I feel very aware of the impermanence of material objects and I know that for me, it can be a dangerous cycle of just wanting more and more and more. So I judged people on that. I couldn’t understand why they focused so much on money and material things. That was unfair. Their goals, dreams and their definition of success is just different to mine.
Coming to this realisation, and reminding myself of it often, has really helped bring a sense of peace to my life.
I am not at conflict with anyone else’s ideas.
I am in control of my life.
Most importantly, I have the strongest sense of identity I have ever had.
Comparisons
We all do it.
You don’t need me to tell you how unhealthy it is.
The good news is this – define what success means to YOU and your knack at painfully (sometimes subconsciously) comparing yourself to others is going to massively decrease.
Seriously.
You’re going to see things clearer.
You’re going to be kinder to yourself.
You’re going to be more accepting of others.
It’s okay that you don’t have a six pack. That is an admirable and successful part of some people’s lives, but NOT YOURS.
It’s okay that you don’t have a brand new car sat on the drive. That is somebody’s goal, but it’s not key to a successful life FOR YOU.
Hopefully you can do your own calculations here.
What do you find yourself making comparisons to?
Who do you compare yourself to?
Are they the same as you?
With the same definition of success?
This way of thinking has recently helped me so much that I felt I had to share it. It’s really only the last few weeks that I’ve been able to see and feel this so strongly. I hope it helps you feel more at peace, more secure and more connected to who you are too.
Finally, I think it is worth mentioning that what we share is so much greater than what we don’t. Although you and those around you may see “success” differently – we all experience the same things around that journey to success. Joy. Sadness. Frustration. Love. Anger. Hope. We are connected by those feelings regardless of how we experience them or where we are going.
We are individuals that are experiencing all of this, the good and the bad, together.
Thank you for reading.
Melissa ❤️
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